Sitting

I decided to sit in a different chair today. I thought I might like it better or it might just provide a different option in the future, rather than always sitting in the same place. The chair was more amongst the trees instead of set apart from them. While I did like the setting, the…

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Melt

My mom ran through the family room, right by me, into her room and slammed the door. She was crying, hysterically. My mom . . . who never really showed emotion. My grandma ran after her. Again, right by me. I was sitting on the floor, in front of the fireplace. I can see the…

Glitter

I had a panic attack today . . . in Hobby Lobby . . . because of glitter. My daughter asked me to help her make a calming jar. I had made one before with a therapy group. It is a jar with hot water, clear glue and glitter (along with other small objects you…

What do you see?

I have been told that I am wise. That in my own vulnerability I give others courage. That I show calm amidst storms that seem unending. Strength in the fact that I keep going. They do not see the times when I fall apart. The times I sob because a cake I made was ruined.…

She was 15

She was 15. She had gone to the kind of party where good girls did not go. She was such an innocent. Not aware of what could happen. Might happen. Did happen to her. Innocence was shattered. Not in the worst way. But in a way. She was never able to talk about it. She…

Protectors

In my work with my therapist, one of the modalities we use involves identifying different parts of self. Whenever I talk about this with someone, it often sounds like I am talking about different personalities. In a way, each part of me does have a different personality. For instance, I have a part who is…

It Is Time

I have been grieving for a long time, though I did not always know. This grief is only a part of the complex PTSD I am working through. It is the part at the forefront right now. Grieving what was missing Grieving what could have been Grieving unappreciated possibility Grieving closeness and connection Grieving loss…

Cloud and Damp

I often wonder if I will ever be okay. Will I ever be able to move out of this darkness for more than just a day or a week? Will there ever be a time when I will not dread the hours when there is nothing to occupy my mind? So often work and activity…

Processes and Outcomes

So . . . I tried the havening technique yesterday. It is a relatively new process my therapist has been wanting to use as a part of my treatment for some time. A brief synopsis of what havening is . . .  Havening rewires the symptoms of trauma by using physical touch to stimulate delta…

Vulnerability and Judgment

I have been having a conversation lately about vulnerability and judgment. I have written about both before, but separately. Because of recent experiences in my journey, as well as in therapy, the two have come together. But first, a story – There were once two women who were working through some pain. This pain was…