Turning 50

Getting older has never really bothered me. Each year, I have simply not felt older. Most of my life, I have felt like the girl back in college. Or the young mother who still can not believe she is a mom. Other times, I have gone back to the teenager in high school. But this…

The process . . . continued

As I wrote in my last piece, I made the decision to begin the process of ending therapy last Tuesday night. While I still feel strongly that this is the right path, an old friend, who has caused me to doubt my decision, showed up the next morning and has not left. As has been…

A step back from therapy. A step forward.

Since writing my last piece, I have thought more about this fear that has come after my success. Is the fear founded on reality? Or is it based on a remembrance of what was but may not necessarily be anymore? Two nights ago, I was able to tell my therapist that I felt strong and…

Success . . . and fear

Over the last three months, I have experienced a type of success that has been very rewarding. A success that is multi-faceted, yet singular. I have lived a life of "normalcy".  Normal is not a word I use often. A favorite phrase of mine is that normal is relative.  My "normal", which has always felt…

A Decision

I made the decision to stop seeing one of my therapists. She is the one I have been with for over four years. About two and a half weeks ago I began to feel a great deal of bitterness. Not toward any person or thing, more a situation. My situation. I have been in therapy…

Sitting

I decided to sit in a different chair today. I thought I might like it better or it might just provide a different option in the future, rather than always sitting in the same place. The chair was more amongst the trees instead of set apart from them. While I did like the setting, the…

Melt

My mom ran through the family room, right by me, into her room and slammed the door. She was crying, hysterically. My mom . . . who never really showed emotion. My grandma ran after her. Again, right by me. I was sitting on the floor, in front of the fireplace. I can see the…

Glitter

I had a panic attack today . . . in Hobby Lobby . . . because of glitter. My daughter asked me to help her make a calming jar. I had made one before with a therapy group. It is a jar with hot water, clear glue and glitter (along with other small objects you…

What do you see?

I have been told that I am wise. That in my own vulnerability I give others courage. That I show calm amidst storms that seem unending. Strength in the fact that I keep going. They do not see the times when I fall apart. The times I sob because a cake I made was ruined.…

She was 15

She was 15. She had gone to the kind of party where good girls did not go. She was such an innocent. Not aware of what could happen. Might happen. Did happen to her. Innocence was shattered. Not in the worst way. But in a way. She was never able to talk about it. She…