Success . . . and fear

Over the last three months, I have experienced a type of success that has been very rewarding. A success that is multi-faceted, yet singular. I have lived a life of “normalcy”. 

Normal is not a word I use often. A favorite phrase of mine is that normal is relative. 

My “normal”, which has always felt elusive and unattainable, is to be comfortable with who I am. When a person grows up with the messages that the personality and talents they have are not okay, or that those talents are not recognized for what they are, the last thing that person can feel is “normal”. 

I have always had a confidence that I have never really understood. I have wanted to lead but have been scared to. My messages were that I was too much. I was bossy. I was told that I thought better of myself than others whenever I thought I was successful.  How different life would have been if the confidence and the “bossiness” were seen as attributes to be developed and honed. To be told “well done” and taught the lesson of humility instead of being given a negative admonition, deflating any feeling of success and positive self-esteem.

Over the last three months, I have built, developed and led a team of more than 30 people. I have had the help of amazing co-workers, who have kept me going, either by building binders, walking the classroom, or sometimes just making sure I have eaten. Once trained, I have supervised this team, working alongside, encouraging and continuing to train as we go.

As I walk the halls of the office, I feel a confidence I do not remember feeling before. A confidence I have known has been there, yet never allowed to come forth. What was once considered “bossiness” is now leadership. A type of leadership born from years of emotional turmoil and hard work to heal from and overcome depression, anxiety and PTSD. 

As a leader, giving direction is only part of what is needed. Encouragement. Understanding. Guidance. Empathy. In some ways, I believe these are just as, if not more important.

While I have had this success, it is only the beginning of a new path. I am not a supervisor. I have only been a team lead for about a year. And yet, my manager and coworkers think I am ready for that next step because of the success I have had with the team I have built, trained and led.

And all I can think is . . . oh, crap!!!!

Why? Because of what I left behind during these last three months. Or rather, what has been pushed down. 

I have worked 50 to 60 hours per week on average during this time. I have experienced long periods where sleep was elusive because my brain just would not stop. I have not eaten the way I should because there was never enough time. I have worked through sickness when I really needed to stay home and rest. And the emotions I had learned to allow myself to feel were pushed down so they would not get in the way. 

I have survived the lack of sleep, the exhaustion from the long hours and absence of good self-care. Now, as has happened throughout my entire life, those emotions will only stay buried for so long. 

This is the fear that comes after the success. 

I have always been afraid of being overwhelmed by emotions and feelings. I used to say that I hate feeling. I hated emotions. The hurt ran too deep. The lurking flood, ever present. I can feel myself tensing for the remembered pain. The tears, unwanted, just below the surface.

I am scared. 

I am scared of the messages from childhood being proven true. I am bossy. I think too highly of myself. The confidence is a ruse, something that was imagined but never there. I have been here before. Eighteen years ago. I felt confident and successful. I was not. The rug had been pulled out from under and was followed by a breakdown from which I thought I would never recover.

My husband has lovingly told me, repeatedly, that I am a different person. I am in a different place. 

But the fear is still there.